The M word

Let me preface my post with this, I have lots of friends that are married and have children. Many of them married young and had their children young. If any of you are reading this, please understand that I think you are amazing people who are doing exactly what you should be doing. I do not write this post to denounce or belittle marriage or motherhood, because they are the two things I want most in the world. The following post is just about my feelings on the matter as of late and how my life is affected by it. 

A few weeks ago I had pretty much made up my mind that I was going to move out to Arizona whether I got a teaching position out there or not. The force driving me to do that was the fact that I'm single and there are pretty much no LDS young single adults in Greenville. By LDS standards I'm practically a spinster. I'm approaching my 25th birthday and I've never even been close to getting married. For a long time I've really felt bad about myself because of this. I've felt like there is something wrong with me or that I'm not good enough because I'm in my mid-twenties and not married. I spent 4 long years at BYU-Idaho being told on a weekly (if not daily) basis that I needed to get married as soon as possible and I watched girls 3-5 years younger than me get married and start families. So it's no wonder that I was feeling like a failure even after graduating and emerging from the "BYU-I bubble". It has been ingrained into my subconscious "GET MARRIED, MAKE BABIES, BE HAPPY."

I am finally coming to terms with the fact that it is OK that I'm not married, even at the ripe old age of 24. Do I want to get married? Of course! I am dying to find that person with whom I can share everything and create a family. Does it have to be right this second? No. Do I wish it was? Yes, but I cannot let the fact that I'm not married dictate my life. I have been telling myself this for a long time, but I finally believe it. I can't just move across the country without a job because I feel like I won't meet someone if I stay in SC. That is an irresponsible and unintelligent decision. I have faith that my Heavenly Father knows what is best for me. Is that hard? Uh, yeah! And you know what, I'm struggling with not knowing where I should live and work or when/if I'm going to find that special someone. So, if anyone else is struggling with this here's what I have to say in a bullet pointed list:

- Not getting married in my early twenties was not the end of the world. It sure seemed like it when I was going through it, and it still hurts now, but it's OK and there is nothing wrong with me (or you).

- I cannot let marriage dictate my life. I have to make smart choices based on what is going on in my life right now, not what's going to happen when I finally find someone. In my case, I have some serious student loans to pay off, so that is what I'm focusing on.

- It is OK to feel sad or angry that I'm not married. I feel upset about it a lot, but I don't let those emotions take over my life. I feel it, then I let it pass. For a long time I used to try and act like I was totally fine not being married and that I didn't care that I wasn't. But that's exactly what it was, an act. I find that when I'm more truthful with myself about it, I don't feel resentment towards young people that are already married as often as I used to be.

- I try to focus on the healthy and happy relationships I already have. I have a loving family who is constantly supportive of me. I am also blessed to have a second family at SCCT where I know people are glad to see me when I'm there. I have so many wonderful people in my life and I am so grateful for the strong relationships I have with them.

Having said all of that. Here's the deal with my pending employment/moving/etc...

I went to a teacher job fair at the Bi-Lo center on Friday and felt really good about all of the connections I made with principals and other administrators. I spoke with all of the schools that are hiring English teachers and many others that aren't sure what they need yet. The principal at Wade Hampton High told me to expect a phone call for an interview, the administrator from Riverside High made special notes on my resume so she'd be able to pick it out from the others she received at the job fair, League Academy asked for me to email them to make sure I can set up an interview, Lakeview Middle also wants to interview me, and I had an interview with Greer Middle school that afternoon! It was such an awesome feeling. If you are feeling down, go to a job fair, even if you aren't looking for a job. It was such a confidence booster.

I'm going out to Arizona later this month to another job fair, I want to keep all of my options open. However, I feel like if I can get a job here in Greenville, it will be in my best interests financially to stay. I can't say that being a 25 year old woman living at home with her parents is the most appealing idea in the world, but if I can get a full-time teaching position while I live at home rent-free, I think I can pay off my student loans in a year. That would be amazing. Would I have much of a social life? Nope. Could I handle it? Yep, I can pull on my big girl panties and deal with it.

If anyone has any advice for me in my job search or just any comments in general about this post or life, please feel free to share them with me! Thanks for reading and for your friendship and support.